If you are easily offended, turn back now.

Archive for September, 2012

Apathy: Not my problem

So here’s the skinny. It’s one of the last few beautiful days we are going to have here in the land of 10,000 sompnerothers, the sub is shining, the birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with the birds… or so I’ve been lead to believe… when I hear the unmistakable sound of a child either tantruming or in crisis. I see the kid up ahead, she’s throwing herself against a van and wailing incoherently. I’m still a block away but my eyes and ears are getting better trained at finding distress.

I watch as some people walk past, barely casting a glance in her direction. Immune, apparently, to people in need of immediate aid. I continue unimpeded toward my destination, already deciding to find out what might be the malfunction. Quarter block to go and two twenty something girls walk right past barely sparing a glance at the girl. What the fuck? I get maybe 25ft from this kid when a car pulls up right beside her and a woman gets out of the car and heads directly to the child and the words I never thought I would hear someone beat me to asking pop out of her mouth, “What’s the matter, can I help you?”

To say I was floored by this is an understatement. The little girl wails something that my non parent ears seem unable to pick up, but the woman knows exactly what to do. While she walks the little girl to the shop where her idiot mother is, I stand by her still running car to make sure nothing unseemly occurs. I thank her for beating me to the punch, and she thanks me for minding her car and we part ways.

Let me ask you this. Did that sound like something difficult to do? Simply asking a distraught and alone child what was the matter seem like a death defying stunt? Does simply being a humane human hinder your fragile little world? I mean DAMN! I watched half a dozen people just walk past and ignore the problem. Is that what we have been reduced to? <sarcasm> Looks like there is a problem over there, well it’s none of my concern to take a miniscule fraction of my time to waste effort and try to make the world a better place because SOMEONE ELSE WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!</sarcasm>

Ahem… Thank you, young woman in the red tank top. Thank you for reinforcing my hope for humanity. Thank you for not being like the dozens of selfishly entitled little brats that seem to be taking over the world. Thank you… even though I know you’ll never read this… for being human.

The moral? Maybe if we put a little effort toward bettering our surroundings, we might see a little change for the better. Maybe if we see someone who is truly in trouble and take the time to just try to put a little hope in their lives, we might not all be so damned shitty toward eachother.


Employment: Socially acceptable slavery

As per our unspoken agreement, I was not to talk about work. However, I found something that burns my cheese when dealing with employers. Basically, as a happy worker we are all supposed to understand that should we feel the need to explore employment within a differing company, it is common courtesy to give two weeks notice. We do this so as to prevent our former company, which we are believed to respect, from being left holding the bag without anyone to fill our spots. By doing this, the company looses less time and manpower and can continue to operate on acceptable levels as if we never left. I have never left a job without giving 2 weeks notice… it’s just the polite and mature thing to do.

But here is the kicker. Some upper lever ass-hat gets some wild hair and decides their numbers just don’t crunch like they should. This CFO, having worked the books a month ahead of time, decides the only way to cook the books to work in their favor so they can have an extra vacation day in May is to let go of your entire department. Does this information reach you the moment they realize that there is just no other way to work it than to give out pink slips? No. They wait, they stew, they sit on their hands and pretend that every goddamned thing in the world is hunky fucking dory. Do they live by the same standards we do? Do we get the same fair and equitable compensation for our getting laid off? Do we get our own TWO WEEKS NOTICE TO FIND A JOB WHEN WE TOO NEED TO PAY BILLS? Of course not. We are lowly minions of the corporate machine. We have no souls and not needs that deserve viewing or consideration. We are nothing but numbers on a goddamned file. Our lives mean little more than a shipment of pens and stationary or who gets a new sports car. We mean nothing to these CEO CFO douchebags and are treated accordingly. But still, we go on about our lives and pretend that we actually mean something to these corporate shills.

It’s just like being in a bad relationship. There is break up words being spoken, and the inevitable words are spoken by the one doing the breaking up, “I love you so much I could die, I just can’t think about living without you.” The same words come from the corporation, “We will just have to find a way to function without you, I don’t see how we will be able to complete the project without you.” If we are so goddamned important, then why the fuck are we being let go?

My point being, if you expect us to treat you with respect, give us the same treatment. Give us a chance to get back on our feet after you pull the rug out from under us. Don’t kick us while we’re down. Don’t look down your nose at us. Treat us the same way you expect us to treat you and then maybe we will have a lot less disillusioned people out there who can actually figure their shit out.


Texting: How to appear more important than you are when nobody really cares

So you’re walking along, minding your merry little at some mall and it’s crowded. You glance to one side or another as you admire this or that little item when out of nowhere the teenybopper in front of you stops dead in their tracks. Your mind flashes *DANGER DANGER* as the mere feet close within moments and it takes all of your dexterity to narrowly avoid bowling over the pedestrian before you. As you duck and weave and barely keep yourself upright, you notice something. He or she is not even looking in front of them, no look of heart attack, shock, disturbia, fear, anxiety… just cold dead eyes glued to a hand held device and thumbs blazing. A mobile texter.

The true walking dead. A zombie, zed head, Z word, shambler, techno corpse, droids droid, an iDead. Their faces explain it all. Eyes glassy, mouth slightly agape as the endorphins race through their body and make their cold lifeless heart beat a little faster at the prospect of reply… should it be “OMG LOL” or perhaps “:P kill me now because I waste space and oxygen that is truly needed to keep the useful and competent alive?” It takes every ounce of control that I have not to rip their lifeline from their unfeeling fingers and hurl it down a long corridor.

If you are one of these people… shame! Are you so important that you have to force people around you to stop and move around you just because you suck at multitasking? Is it really that difficult to step to the side, away from the flow of traffic, and proceed to reply in whatever mindless dribble you feel is a failed attempt at the English language?

Yes, I text. Firstly, my job makes it a requirement. Secondly, I am a courteous and observant person who doesn’t enjoy running in to people or visa versa. I find that it makes my life easier to actually look around me from time to time, listen to the sounds all around me, and avoid any untoward confrontation. Personally, I find it prevents me from running headlong into some mouthbreather when I pay attention.

The last nail in this coffin is undoubtedly the most idiotic, Philistinial, and all around mindnumbingly ruhtarded concept I have ever encountered. Driving texters. For the love of Pete… WHY? <sarcasm>Well, I’m too important to get into an accident because the whole goddamned universe revolves around me and therefore nothing bad could possibly happen.</sarcasm> If I had my druthers I would take that damned phone of yours and shove it straight up your… anyway I digress. Get over yourselves and start paying attention!


Bicycles: The boy in the bubble went mobile

I don’t know if it is the same where you are, but where I live it seems that bicycles rule the road. All of us driver have been there, tooling down the road on a pleasant day when some no necker on his 10 speed decides to block traffic. The speed limit is 30 but he doesn’t care, he barely breeches 15. There is an empty parking lane that seems to defy his ability as he swerves left and right. You maintain a safe distance behind, unable to get past because of oncoming traffic. Does this deter his obtrusiveness? Of course not. He pedals sedately along.
Then salvation appears. You need to turn up ahead… Safety seems fleeting as he makes a sudden and wild turn just as you barely miss pasting this twit all over the pavement. Does this phase him? No. Wait… Did he just barrel through a stop sign AND a stop light? Why yes… Yes he did.
I want to know, who gave these little shits the sense of righteousness to flagrantly ignore traffic law and decide for themselves whether or not they are pedestrians. Do they know that bicycles are supposed to acknowledge and follow all traffic signs? Did anyone explain that they are supposed to be on the sidewalk when in residential and industrial areas… Not to mention highways? Are they in know that the only time they should be on the road is in commercial districts? All signs point to ‘NO.’
Why is it that in oder to drive a motor vehicle I am required to pass a plethora of tests while any invalid with a few dollars can purchase a bicycle and take to the road with a devil may care attitude? But of course they can never be in the wrong because political correctness demands us to respect and cow-tow to these green monstrosities. And what happens when we complain? WE get yelled at for using fossil fuels. I’m sorry, but I actually have a job that doesn’t require me to have dreadlocks and drink DBR. Does this make me a bad person? Apparently, because why else would I become so indignant about some egalitarian eunuch who has about as much traffic sense as a box of tampons yells at me because they can’t maintain the speed limit and block the flow. For christs sake people… Even the Amish know how to use a goddamned stop sign.


Pink: Why don’t we see it anymore?

It truly is a wonderful world in which we live. How amazing is it that we have so many ways to individualize ourselves to show just how creative and absolutely personalized we have become? On top of that we can make these personalizatons evolve in infinite means, or simply scrap the lot and start something new and unique. The possibilities are as vast as our imaginations can perceive.
You know what I have never seen, which still amazes me to this day? Why have I never seen a blond woman wearing copious amounts of pink? I don’t mean the Vickies Pink, I mean pink cell phone cases with matching backpack shoes and top. Where is this? Why has no enterprising individual taken the effort to dye their hair a strenuously false shade of blond and adorn herself with the most sickeningly Pepto-Pink accoutrements in history? Where is this ‘blond and pink?’
OK ladies and gents, this is the deal. Why are there so many women out there who have decided that the end all be all of fashion is this detestable combo of bleach blond hair and pink clothing? Is there no originality put there? In this wave of peroxide we do find the rare Rockabilly, Goth, Punk, Pin-up, Lolita, Harajuku, and other styles… But they happen so infrequently that I am starting to think this ‘blond and pink’ pandemic is starting to get out of control. Sure, you average college nimrod is going to seek out your toeheaded falsities like a twat seeking missile, but is that really all you care about? I mean… Damn. If getting one crappy lay after another is your only goal in life, then sure, go for it. But please, think of the children. What happens when you mix two shallow gene pools? It might get a little deeper, but the chlorine mixture is WAY off.
Let me put it this way. I have an ‘in-law’ relation who shall not be named. She is your typical shallow, insurance fraudulent, all shine no polish, uneducated maroon who showed up at her kids graduation ceremony in, you guessed it, a pink sweatsuit and sneakers combination that showed off her goods. She may not be blond, but the over extravagant amount of pink balanced out the equation.
My point? Try… PLEASE… Try to be a jet setter. Be original. Do whatever you can to stem this tide of pink and peroxide. It lost it’s quirkiness with Legally Blond and it should have died there. Please, if you have any hope for the existence and future of humanity, end this bane on the human race quickly… We don’t have much time left before it takes us all.