If you are easily offended, turn back now.

Texting: How to appear more important than you are when nobody really cares

So you’re walking along, minding your merry little at some mall and it’s crowded. You glance to one side or another as you admire this or that little item when out of nowhere the teenybopper in front of you stops dead in their tracks. Your mind flashes *DANGER DANGER* as the mere feet close within moments and it takes all of your dexterity to narrowly avoid bowling over the pedestrian before you. As you duck and weave and barely keep yourself upright, you notice something. He or she is not even looking in front of them, no look of heart attack, shock, disturbia, fear, anxiety… just cold dead eyes glued to a hand held device and thumbs blazing. A mobile texter.

The true walking dead. A zombie, zed head, Z word, shambler, techno corpse, droids droid, an iDead. Their faces explain it all. Eyes glassy, mouth slightly agape as the endorphins race through their body and make their cold lifeless heart beat a little faster at the prospect of reply… should it be “OMG LOL” or perhaps “:P kill me now because I waste space and oxygen that is truly needed to keep the useful and competent alive?” It takes every ounce of control that I have not to rip their lifeline from their unfeeling fingers and hurl it down a long corridor.

If you are one of these people… shame! Are you so important that you have to force people around you to stop and move around you just because you suck at multitasking? Is it really that difficult to step to the side, away from the flow of traffic, and proceed to reply in whatever mindless dribble you feel is a failed attempt at the English language?

Yes, I text. Firstly, my job makes it a requirement. Secondly, I am a courteous and observant person who doesn’t enjoy running in to people or visa versa. I find that it makes my life easier to actually look around me from time to time, listen to the sounds all around me, and avoid any untoward confrontation. Personally, I find it prevents me from running headlong into some mouthbreather when I pay attention.

The last nail in this coffin is undoubtedly the most idiotic, Philistinial, and all around mindnumbingly ruhtarded concept I have ever encountered. Driving texters. For the love of Pete… WHY? <sarcasm>Well, I’m too important to get into an accident because the whole goddamned universe revolves around me and therefore nothing bad could possibly happen.</sarcasm> If I had my druthers I would take that damned phone of yours and shove it straight up your… anyway I digress. Get over yourselves and start paying attention!

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