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conspiracy

Shirtless: Why men cannot function while fully clothed

It’s mid-day, you’re taking a leisurely stroll down Nowhereville Lane when you pass a yard populated with some dude mowing his lawn… nothing strange there, he’s just shirtless. No matter. You continue down the road, listening to the crows sing about some sort or another of carrion they’ve managed to scavenge when you pass another homestead. Here there is another gentleman, he happens to be checking the timing on his vintage Camero, also shirtless… this seems a little stranger, but no bother. Again you take to ambulation, but now you are painfully aware of men in all varieties of age and fitness and ethnicities, all either working alone or in packs; fixing roofs, changing oil, drinking tea, offering little boys bags of sugar for a mere tuppence and a few strands of pubic hair… is Rod Sterling behind this? Leo and Satan?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the rarely spoken of conspiracy known only as “Shirtless Male Syndrome.” You will notice men when they are around their significant other; slow, docile, and barely able to function beyond tying shoelaces. Their minds seem to be almost brought down to a base primal level of mere beasts of burden. There is only one known cure for an Alpha who, despite having a below level of intelligence anyway, is slowed to a snails pace when encumbered by either natural or unnatural fibers constricting vascular areas of the back and neck.

Where is the proof you may ask. Simple, it exists in the suburbs and the rural jungles, in schticks and cities, from Stuckies to HyVee. Men everywhere, in order to complete a job of any varying nature, require their shirts to be elsewhere. You may have never noticed this before, but soon, very soon, you sill see this in practice. It is almost as if society itself is attaching a yoke to men around the world in order to drop testosterone and thus turn men into drooling invalids. UberCrappie, Air-O-Poopster, these are the natural enemies of men everywhere. Be afraid, be very afraid.

My point being, they’re everywhere. From toddler to octogenarian, they’re all over the damned place. I laugh every time I see one of these guys, and more power to them for letting their beer bellies flap freely in the breeze… but let’s face it, if you’re going to do it the least you could do is work out a little.


Happy Belated Turkey Day

I posted this on facebook and figured I would put it here to just for shits and giggles.

March 2011. With the economy in the crapper and nameless talentless puds filling us with their own special brand of poop; Rebecca Black releases the song Friday which turns to an instant viral camp hit.
Some time in 2012. The economy still in the pooper, America seems to trod along aimlessly. Nicole Westbrook releases her viral hit Thanksgiving.
Both of these songs are steaming turds, but there is a strange serendipity that almost seems conspiritorial and underbelly-y. Both songs are from complete unknowns and were just randomly put to youtube for fun. But here is the kicker…
Rebecca “Black Friday” and Nicole Westbrook “Thanksgiving.”
Black Friday and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving… Black Friday… Thanksgiving… Black Friday…
They predicted the fall of HOSTESS!

Sagging: Homogeneous Homoerotic Homophobia Homogenized

Have you ever found yourself walking the city streets and noticed some dude with his pants hanging halfway off his ass? Do these people realize just how ridiculous they look? Do they realize that, while trying to look like a badass, they end up looking like a complete and total ruhtard should they ever try to ‘make a run for it?’ AND on top of it all, do they realize that their fashion statement stems from a prison system based on showing how ready one is for a quick inmate intimacy initiation?

I can’t speak for you, but I prefer it when my clothes are in proper order and ready should I need to make a quick getaway. Thus, I wear a belt… I know… how old fashioned. I even have a few pair of suspenders… shocker! No, not the three fingered kind, but thank you for the segway you dirty birdie.

Not unlike the shocker, sagging is a very penetrating subject. The trend, if you would call it that and not a pandemic, began in US prisons. Yes, that’s right, America the beautiful has ruined something else. A little known fact about sagging is that, depending on how low the waistband rides tells a different story. Wearing the waistband near the waist (which is logically where it is supposed to be. Its a WAISTBAND not a MID-HIP BAND, MID-ASS BAND, or any such nonsense)… ahem… near the waist dictates just a normal prisoner not interested in any shenanigans. Wearing the band near mid-ass tells the inmates that you are primed and ready to bend somebody over the lunchroom table and ride for old glory. Thirdly, wearing the waistband anywhere below ones ass tells everyone that one is ready for a good old fashioned fudge packing reception.
Talk about a Penal system.

Here is what gets me. Inside the prison system, inmates are swallowed up by a whole different society and culture. While outside they may have looked upon homosexuality as a prime evil, inside it becomes a social norm. What’s up with that? Perhaps the reason they find it evil is due to their being told for years that homosexuality is evil, and now that they experienced it first hand their fear of being persecuted forced them to speak even louder to avert any attention away from themselves… methinks the ex-con doth protest too much.


Hello world!

Years have gone by and I have ranted. Life has gone on and I have ranted. This blog is now my attempt to get some people out there to look around and think about the world around them in a new light. Why? You may ask… because in this beautiful new age of social media, any idiot can wander a few sites and add their measly two cents to the dregs of social retardation. It’s my turn.

What will you find here? Maybe some basic complaints about peoples behavior. Maybe a base explanation as to how early South Americans made their heads elongated. Maybe the path of enlightenment, but I doubt it.If anything here offends you, if anything you read here makes you want to drop a deuce on your bosses desk, if it makes you feel uncomfortable… good. I was not put on this Earth to pat you on the head and give you a cookie for being a good drone, and I was taught at a young age that any day gone without offending at least one person is a day wasted. However, that does not mean I am a malevolent force… in fact I am quite benevolent… but sometimes we need an eye opener.

What the future will bring…

Bicycles and you: The willing grease spots

Politics: Governmental Masturbation

Sexual Incompetence: Let’s spread disease together

Social Order: Adopt anarchy as a unifying government

Stupid People: Does this need a pretext?