If you are easily offended, turn back now.

jesus

Politics: Why Jesus REALLY Hates You

Those of us in the US have been bombarded with politically charged TV, radio, and interweb ads. We hear how Mr. Dippyshit is going to change the face of the nation by advocating for radical changes in the grand scheme of things. We listen and hope that the promises made are not just words, but that the candidate actually has the scruples and honor to stick to his or her guns in order to actually make a change and a difference of the good. But when it comes down to the post election euphoria, they just sit on their hands as the world collapses and entropy runs rampant.

They claim to help us by watching our every move. They claim to help us by limiting our civil rights. They claim to help us by playing the shell game with our money and then just make it rain on every damn country but our own. They claim to help us by filling their own pockets. And we let them.

To make matters worse (I’m sure everyone reading this has some idea of who is in the race so I won’t name names) one of our potential leaders decides, in all his wisdom, to say that because he is a Mormon that he is a good person. Wait… does that mean that all people of that particular faith are good people and that ONLY people of that creed are good people? Of course, the opposition, no matter the side, will never question this. If all people of the christian faith are good people, why was Hitler pardoned by the Pope? Nobody wants to talk about the hard pressed issues and instead wants to play a game of sleight of hand. To make matters worse, he uses some old blue hair to talk about just how wonderful he is. Again, who is going to question this? Nobody, because anyone who questions the actions of a sweet old lady is a terrible person.

So in closing, politicians should be ashamed of themselves. Senators, Congress folk, Presidential hopefuls, and every other damned lawyer out there with a chip on their shoulder. I say Shakespeare was right. Maybe after that we can find a new douche to run who might actually live up to their word and not be in it just to fill their pockets.


Religion: Why Jesus hates you

Have you ever been walking down the street; watching the birds fly blissfully by, pondering all the little things of the universe, and all together minding your own business only to be stopped in your tracks by somebody who wants to talk about Jesus and their prescription of dystopia and ignorance? I have.

Let me tell you, this is a special breed of people who piss me off. Do I really care about why you need to go to a building once a week to hear some archaeic and antiquated words from some dude who thinks himself the personal mouth of his god? Do I want to hear about why some corpse who couldn’t save himself will somehow save me because he called himself a demigod and married a hooker? Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things, whether or not I get on my knees and BEG for some Zeus-like beardyman in an alabaster throne to whisk me away to a land of androgynous winged people who think excitement is sitting quietly in a white room, feeling guilty, while enjoying whitebread and water? For the love of Ganesh, NO!

They say they love everyone and want everyone to be happy. That their god gave us… GAVE US… free will to do and say and want and fuck whatever the hell we want. BUT, here is the good part, you can only have fun if you’re not turning people to salt and being an all around dick like their god was. Hey, buddy, if you claim that you love everyone and want us to be happy, leave us the fuck alone… WE DON’T CARE… and if we did we would convert with or without your own special dose of brainwashing. Your god said that we will all go to your heaven whether or not we believe… so suck it.

Personally, I figure that all of the fun people in the world AND all of the horrible people are going to hell if you are right. WHY would I pass up the chance to sit around with all of the great minds waxing all things great and small and still get the opportunity to give Adolph a swift kick in the ass while sipping on a Harvey Wallbanger?

Lest we forget, Mormons believe that there are a limited number of seats in heaven. Somewhere in the ballpark of 200k. And JV’s can’t even throw a party. Why would I even want to take those odds or live in such monotony? I will take Hell and beer any day of the week. So please, bible thumpers, leave us godless heathens alone so we can get on with our lives and get to hell where we belong.